Friday, November 26, 2010

What Not To Say At The Family Dinner

High-Res Stock Photography: Mature man in front of Christmas tree…
It's the most wonderful, politically incorrect time of the year! The season of family gatherings, dinner and conversation. For the first time in years, I went home for Thanksgiving. Had a great time with my family, my first porkless Thanksgiving -they didn't stop cooking it, I just stopped eating it- and met my gorgeous niece. I also had a few epiphanies about safe conversations for family from infant to wizened Big Mama. I believe that all families should feel comfortable sharing... But in the appropriate setting. The appropriate setting does not include extended family, people you see once or twice a year, toddlers who have yet to grapple with complex ideas like birth control and elderly matrons who refuse to switch from a VCR to a DVD player. There's too many variables, and way too much room for error.

Unfortunately, I didn't have these epiphanies in time to save your Thanksgiving dinner, but I can save Christmas. So here goes... a few subjects you may want to save for another time. Like the comment section of a blog, Youtube video, or during Taboo night.

1. Unplanned pregnancies. These things happen. It isn't always a happily married couple who gets preggers. Sometimes... cousin Carol just shows up and says, "I'm due in 3 months!" If Carol isn't accompanied by the soon-to-be father, and makes no mention of him, neither should you. Why? Because if she wanted to talk about it, Carol would. But she doesn't. She just wants you to ask if it's a boy or girl and buy the appropriately colored onesie. Nothing takes the candied out of yams like a debate with Uncle Jay about why the most recent generation is hellbent on living a life of sin.

2. Our recent generation's intentions to live a life of sin. Yeah, older people think that. Hip-hop, skinny jeans, real-life Barbies, Twitter and Craig's List personal ads are a sign of the Apocalypse to our living forefathers, and they completely forget that their parents thought the exact same thing about their generation. Somebody came up with dildos, platform shoes, heroine, and breast implants, and that wasn't us. This conversation always ends with a 16 year old cousin screaming, "Pops! You just don't get Jay-Z! He's the voice of the nation and if you don't realize his genius then you'll never get me!" Sigh.

3. The Single Women Over 19's "Old Maid" Status. I know. You got married at 19 and dropped 4 kids by the time you were 22. But the 19 year olds I know are in their 2nd year of college, changing their major for the 5th time, experimenting with 4 Loko and are ill-equipped to get married, much less raise children. Let it go... 

4. Eddie Long. Trust me on this one. 

Anything else I left out? We can save Christmas, one tip at a time!