Thursday, June 30, 2011

Five Things Ladies Would Rather Not See

For the past few months, my friend over at A Bachelor's Pad and I have been jokingly saying we'd write complementary articles, one from the man's perspective and another from the woman's perspective, we just needed a good topic. *in my Kevin Hart voice* Soooooooo, we picked an age old topic: "Turnoffs by the Opposite Sex." Ladies, if you're interested in reading about 5 Things Guys Don't Find Attractive, click here ---> A Bachelor's Pad (after you've read this one first to ensure I didn't discredit our gender).

As for the guys, the following is a list of somewhat superficial --but nevertheless important-- things that women just don't find attractive:

1. Long fingernails. Why?! Some women keep their nails long to be fashionable. But for men, there's simply no reason for it. It shows poor hygiene and gives me the impression that you're dainty enough to keep your nails long but too much of a woos to allow them to tear off while doing the heavy lifting of a neighbor's furniture. Also, unless you play the guitar, there's absolutely no reason to keep that pinkie nail longer than the others. That's a CLEAR sign of a drug user. Trim 'em.

2. Sagging Bottoms. Well first off, it's uncomfortable, which lets me know that you'd rather be what you consider fashionable than comfortable. Which is an odd and unattractive trait in a guy. There's nothing wrong with being hip, fresh or whatever you kids are caling it, but sagging isn't professional or dapper, it's just a trend, a fading one at that.

3. Men Who DON'T wear suits properly. This doesn't mean I discriminate against recently incarcerated men who are still figuring out that one size doesn't fit all. But it does mean that at some point, every man needs to visit a tailor or at least find a fine men's clothing store that offers suits that fit them well. When a man is wearing a suit for the first time and it doesn't hang well, he sticks out like a sore thumb and not in a good way. There's a reason the ladies love Maxwell and it's more than the sultry voice. It's the way his suits fit.

4. Overwhelming Cologne. It's one thing if you can hear someone around the corner... but if I can smell your Axe/incense/Tommy Hilfiger/Dolce & Godiva/Rick Ross Sweat Beads cologne before we're sharing intimate space, that's problematic. Someone who uses a subtle dab of cologne and a clean, crisp smelling aftershave is sending the message that they're well groomed, masculine, but not imposing. The guy who smells like he substituted cologne for body wash makes us feel cornered and intimidated. And not in a good way.

5. Using/Wearing Random Gifts from the Ex. This may be the one that throws you for a loop, but I promise I have a reason for it. A friend of mine has a boyfriend who collects watches. To date, he has about 40 odd watches. His ex girlfriend of five years purchased him a watch one year for Christmas (I know... kinda unoriginal right!?) Anyway, the watch wasn't particularly expensive or unique, it just was the one his ex-girlfriend bought him, and whenever he was mad at his current girlfriend, he'd wear that watch. Of course, this only pissed my friend off more and made her feel like he was throwing the ex back in her face. The point to this convoluted story is, unless it's the only Karl Kani Limited Edition track suit that you own, let it go. No one wants a constant reminder of their predecessor dangling in their face when you lean over for a kiss. I'm not going to go so far as to say you should throw these items away; you never know when you're going to need to pawn an old piece of jewelry to bail your uncle out of jail, but at least show your significant other enough respect to keep the past in the past.

There you have it; I gave you five that I think are relatively universal, what else do you guys have? Be sure to weigh in on A Bachelor's Pad list as well.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

We're Off to See the Wizard!

I have some sad news for you all. Our President of the United States, Barack Obama is not…

A wizard. He’s also not a magician. He has no access to a magic wand that will reduce gas prices, give you a job, lower the deficit, or make your girlfriend come back to you. Sure, the POTUS is by far the single most powerful man in the country, and arguably the free world. However, our Constitution is written in a way that creates checks and balances between the 3 branches of our government. In case your civics teacher was high on crystal meth: there’s the executive branch (the Prez), the judicial branch, and the legislative branch (Congress). (Ex. “Obamacare” was passed by Congress, and then signed into existence by the POTUS).

Maybe the confusion about Obama’s mystical powers stems from the messaging of his 2008 campaign. President Obama successfully won enough of the electorate with a message of change and hope. Nevertheless, during his acceptance speech that brisk November 4th night, BHO stated:
“The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can't solve every problem.”

Maybe you didn’t hear that because you were in the streets giving fist bumps to strangers and screaming at the top of your lungs. I recall that night vividly; I was at The Park at 14th and a close friend of mine was vacillating between moments of disbelief, excitement, elation, and tearful reminiscing on those who missed the historic moment. So I’ll grant you all a pass on missing that speech.

But what about common sense? Why do people think Obama can be any and all things to everyone? I attended a town hall on the economy with Obama about a month ago and the questions lobbed at him were unbelievable.
1. What are you going to do about the gas prices, Mr. President? 
2. Mr. President, I work for the National Zoo, and they told me I’d be laid off in July. What would you do if you were me?

    There’s a reason I will never be president. My response to the zoo lady would have been: “I don’t know... update my resume?! Look for another job?!”

    Shameless promotion
    Through a good old Howard hookup, I also had the pleasure of attending a Town Hall on the Economy with Republican-elected officials this week. The message from the leaders on the right is clear: Obama has failed (horribly) at everything.

    A friend of mine, who voted for Obama in ’08 and considers himself middle of the road, told me emphatically, “Obama has done nothing for the economy. Nothing.”

    I can think of a few folks that would disagree.

    I believe we should hold all elected officials responsible for their actions, good and bad. As my friend Trae would say, we elect them to represent the will of the American people. It makes sense to criticize policies, ideas and ideologies. It does not make sense to criticize someone for not achieving the impossible.

    At some point, we have to acknowledge that change is not embodied in one man, and it certainly doesn’t happen solely in one term, especially when you’re handed a filthy diaper of a country and expected to turn it into a glistening Thanksgiving meal. (That made no sense, but neither do folks’ expectations of Obama). We've got a better chance of getting a miracle from a Washington Wizard, John Wall. (I mean have you seen his stats??!)

    Your thoughts?

    Thursday, June 9, 2011

    "I've been used and abused" - signed, the English language

    As a graduate of a mildly pretentious university and a purveyor of the Washington bourgeoisie, my ear is hypersensitive to aberrations in people's use of the English language.

    Most of us are familiar with common mistakes like using the wrong their/they're/there or subject/verb disputes. However, there are some other errors that go unchecked. Until now....

    1. Misuse of the word "Humbled." A few years ago, for my friend's birthday, I got her an ostentatious display of balloons, a $75 gift card to her favorite store, and made her a pan of her favorite cupcakes. I was quite pleased with myself. Until after the birthday dinner, her boyfriend walked us all out to the parking garage, where he had parked her brand new Miata. I felt "humbled."

    Not. "Wow! Six Grammys!? I mean, I expected at least two, but not siiiix! I'm humbled!"
    Not. "I am both surprised and deeply humbled." [Obama on receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.]
    --> humbled: having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc; low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.

    2. Misuse of the phrase "in lieu." The way to properly use this word is, "In lieu of the tin of butter that this Paula Deen recipe calls for, I used light, unsalted margarine."

    Not. "In lieu of your great report card, I'd like to increase your weekly allowance! Congratulations."
    --> in lieu: instead; as substitute

    3. Misuse of the word "Stay." As a child I grew up believing that this word was to be used in the following manner: "I hope Lisa and Zack stay together!" I think the first time I heard it used incorrectly was as a college student in the cafeteria. A freshman remarked, "I heard all the stuck up girls stay in the Annex (a dorm)." I remember thinking, "Does he mean the stuck up girls hang out over there? What does he mean by stay?"

    Apparently some think "stay" can be used in lieu of "live." (See what I did there!?) But nah, kid.
    --->stay: to stop going forward, to spend time in a condition.

    The Elusive S!
    The letter "s" is one that has troubled urban communities for centuries.

    People toss it in when it's not needed:
    1. I'm going to Marvin's.
    2. Happy New Year's!
    3. Let's go Orlando Magics!
    4. In the Battle of the Real HU, I support the Bisons.
    5. That last hot biscuit with gravy is mines! (Nah, they're his.)

    But then...people leave out the "s" when it is needed:
    1. I'll be at Sasha house for Game Night.
    2. You going to Jay get together?
    3. Who run the world? (Girls) - Beyonce 

    What's up with that?!

    Ay yi yi. Well, now that you know what's up, don't be a perpetrator of aggravated assault against the English language. Any other commonly misused words that aren't commonly pointed out? The floor is yours.